Currently Listening Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band By The Beatles see related

it's like i'm never satisfied.

i got the job.  and now i miss american general and i want to go back.  at the time i quit i was burnt out.  i was tired, chad and i were having issues, and i think i just needed a break.  but i didn't feel like waiting for my vacation.  so i quit.  and i regret it almost every day.  i miss the job, i miss my coworkers, i miss my customers.  and being at this new job makes me miss it so much more.

i'm trying to make the best of this, but i had it so good at american general and i'm actually upset with myself that i threw it all away.  i know i can go back whenever i want to.  i just have to call jeff and tell him.  but i'll feel bad for telling marty i'd work for him and then after a week i want my old job back.

don't get me wrong.  i like my new job, but i don't like it as much as i like my old job.  it's only been a week, so i'm trying to keep an open mind.  but the odds are with american general.  better pay, better benefits, less hours, less travel, less gas.

bah!

Currently Listening Legally Blonde (2007 Original Broadway Cast) see related

for some reason, i feel the need to write in here.

chad and i got into a big fight a couple weeks ago, and i didn't mean to but i ended up breaking up with him.  things got heated and he was yelling.  and i was mad that he wasn't listening to what i had to say.  so i told him "well if you can't listen to me then maybe you shouldn't be my boyfriend" and hung up on him.  we've talked numerous times since, and i have told him that i think we should be together.  but he feels that this is best for us.  i trust him, so if that's what he thinks then i'll be okay.  and even though it's only been a couple weeks, i do think that this is what's best for us.  we had talked about what we were going to do when he went to school.  even though he would only be a half hour away, gas prices are high and i'm currently unemployed, so i'm not really up for driving out to indiana every weekend.  plus i know he'll be stressed with going back to school, working, making new friends, and all that stuff, so i don't think he would really have time for a girlfriend.  it's still hard to grasp that the person i thought i would be marrying is not my boyfriend anymore.  i keep telling myself that if we're meant to be together we will be.  but i don't want to keep filling myself with false hope.  he disagrees with my wanting to be a stay-at-home mom, and that's not something i'm willing to budge on.  i know what it's like to be pretty much raised by someone other than your mother and that's not something i want to do to my children.  i can't and i won't.

maybe what i need is to just be single and enjoy my life by myself.  because i started working a fulltime job at 19, i don't feel like i really got to enjoy being young.  so while i AM still young i want to enjoy it.  i'm not going to be slutting it up now that i'm single; that's not what i mean by enjoying the single life.  but i want to spend time with my friends and obviously, find a new job that i love.

it's difficult sometimes to go through your day and seeing something that reminds me of chad, especially if it's something we used to laugh about.  it makes me want to text him about it, and i try not to.  we talk every once in a while, and more often than not it ends in an argument of some sorts.  most people probably think it's best if i cut off all contact.  i can't do that.  not when i spent almost all of my time not at work with this one person.  you can't just cut a person out of your life like that, no matter what happens.  he is the love of my life, and i have never felt this way about a person before.  it's unfortunate that it had to end this way and at this time, but i've come to realize that if this is what God is giving me, then so be it.  i'll make the best of it.

in case you didn't read any of that, or didn't pick up any of the clues, i'm no longer working at american general.  it was a difficult decision, but i realized that while it was a great job it just wasn't the job for me.  that is not where i belong.  however, when i left i didn't have another job.  my reason for doing that was i wanted to take some time off.  i told myself i would only take july off.  so as of this week i've been working on my resume, and i think i may be going downtown with katie & kristen on friday, so melissa said i can bring my resume to her building and the surrounding buildings.  so hopefully that helps.  i dunno.  i guess we'll see.

i just need to marry a rich man.

this morning at about 7:10 my car alarm went off.  i had no idea why.  i grabbed my coat and threw on some shoes and ran out the front door.  nothing.  nothing is missing or moved in my car.  i got out and tried to lock it.  it locked but it didn't beep.  i felt nervous so i pulled the car into the garage.  and then i noticed that my trunk light was on.  i looked and the trunk was cracked open.  i don't know how that happen.  everyone else i told (and probably you): "well, did you hit the trunk release button?"  yes, in my sleep i got up and got my keys out of my purse and pressed the button.  come on, get serious.  even if i did press the button it wouldn't have set off the alarm.  dur.  so i checked and nothing was gone, so i just shut it all the way and went back in.  if someone wanted to steal something from my car, you think they would have just gone for the navigation system or something.  not random crap in my trunk, such as my old winter coat, black flip flops, or some toy katie found.

what the hell happened here?

i'm happy.
and i love it.

it's about time.